An incomplete list of things Twitter was

From writer Helena Fitzgerald’s great newsletter Griefbacon (which is the literal translation of a German term meaning “the weight you gain after overeating for emotional reasons”). I’ve only extracted the list here, but you should click through and read all the descriptions as well:

“I hated Twitter because of course I hated Twitter; if you didn’t hate Twitter, you weren’t there. Hating it was the only way to live in it; that was word for love in its language. I hated Twitter, and I still hate Twitter, and an alarming percentage of everything I love or am proud of derives from the time I wasted on that stupid website, complaining about how the website is garbage. Here are some final ways I would describe Twitter.

  • A group of drunk girls in the bathroom
  • Times Square
  • What people who didn’t have friends in middle school think having friends in middle school was like.
  • A Denny’s at 2am in a town with a vibrant (derogatory) local theater scene.
  • The Titanic but everybody wants to talk about Joan Didion.
  • The Titanic but everybody wants to tell you why they don’t count as rich.
  • The JFK assassination episode of Mad Men.
  • The longest-form Jenny Holzer installation ever.
  • Listening to two people have an argument on the street directly underneath your window
  • Adderall.
  • Sitting at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving when you are supposed to be sitting at the adults’ table.
  • Sitting at the adults’ table at Thanksgiving when honestly you should still be sitting at the kids’ table.
  • Going into the downstairs bathroom at the home of a relative you actually don’t know very well on Thanksgiving and hiding out there while everybody argues
  • The fever dream of a high school freshman who has the flu but has come to school anyway and has fallen asleep in the middle of class.
  • The depiction of Hell in noted prestige television series Adventure Time.
  • Trying to leave a party where the vibe has soured
  • The mythical city of Babel”

12 Replies to “An incomplete list of things Twitter was”

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